Monday, September 25, 2017

A student of grief

We're big movie buffs at our house.  Early on in my grief journey this scene of Mr. Incredible being attacked by the expanding black balls came to mind.  In my mind it was the perfect picture of deep grief... you can attempt to run, to hold yourself up, to fight it, to muscle through BUT it will take you down.  These moments still come and I don't think I'm any better at not trying to fight grief off.  Sadness, insecurity, fear, doubt, guilt, exhaustion, and forgetfulness are the chains linked to grief. It's debilitating, messy and unpredictable. 

I've come to a place of pause in my graduate school journey.  On the day I took my last didactic exam I broke down into tears.  I felt attacked by the expanding black balls.  Down I went.  It's been a crazy 2.5 years!  I've learned more than I ever thought I would, not only about women's health but about life.  This is what I've learned, what Vivian has taught me:
  • To love deeper, wider & with more fierceness than ever before
  • Our connection to the spiritual world is closer than we think
  • Faith is far more than feelings & isn't to be understood
  • To face the pain, to lean into it 
  • To feel what I need to feel when I feel it & let the tears fall
  • To Listen, to be quiet and really listen 
  • The highs are higher. joy is deeper
  • To be grateful for the few who have remained WITH me in this journey, who are in my arena and not in the stands (Brene Brown's influence here)
  • We suck as a culture in supporting those living with grief
  • To be a voice for loss families
  • The response or lack of from others is life as they know it through insecurities and fears... to recognize this, keeps the grips of bitterness & blame at bay
  • Compassion & empathy are the greatest gifts we can give others

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