Awkwardly Comfortable

 

Clinical Week 1: Awkwardly comfortable is what came to mind at the end of my second day in clinic as a student nurse midwife.  I've never felt this comfortable in a new role... ever.  With as much as I still need to learn, it felt so right.  A little synopsis of my two days...

Each pregnant belly is amazing in shape and with the little earned nuisances of scars, varying shades of the linea nigra, and tone.  To witness the eyes of 1st time parents light up instantly at the sound of their less than 10wk old baby's heartbeat is magical.  I want to learn to speak spanish well.  Thankful that the wet sticky substance found under a waistband while checking a fundal height was just left over sono gel (phew!).  I can't wait to master the Art of Leopold's Maneuvers.  Surrogacy is an indescribable gift to give another.  Is there such a thing as stylish comfortable shoes?  How amazing it was to witness a defensive, easily triggered Mom-to-be transition into someone who was relaxed and smiling by the end of her visit... she had been carrying fears and mistrust from a previous traumatic birth into this new pregnancy (I hope & pray I get to see a positive birth story unfold for her).  Seeing & feeling a baby move within a belly is just plain... spiritual.  So grateful to be on this journey!

Round Peg in a Round Hole

Wow!  What a week at Clinical Bound!  If you haven't figured out already, life through my eyes will forever be through the 'filter' of our love & loss of Vivian.  It's just the way it is. 

The beginning of the week was rough... As it turns out I wasn't as successful at shaking off the anxiety as I had hoped.  I was a little preoccupied with triggers of being there the first time happy & pregnant with Vivian.  It was tough to focus and let myself relax.  Self doubt took quite a hold too.  Passing my physical assessment as well as I did, was such a boost!  The instructors were phenomenal... encouraging, passionate, funny, wise, and stepped into simulation roles like paid actresses!  Finally connecting with a core group of Frontier friends was a definite highlight too.  We shared: nail biting assessment check offs, fasciculation, never have I ever, shopping for underwear & flipflops, beef tongue suturing, simulations, Red Light Cafe, shack o'shame, sangria & warm beer, laughter & tears, salad with bugs, a syringe squirt gun, hot topics & so much more! 

How perfect it was to wrap up the week at Wendover where Mary Breckenridge lived & pursued bringing nurse midwives to the states.  In Frontier fashion, we circled up to share what we were looking forward to as midwives and where we thought we might serve or go.  It was moving to hear so many different stories & missions.  I shared a bit about Vivian and how my focus has shifted from when I was there the first time.  Perinatal loss will definitely be a part of my focus... where it takes me is yet to be determined.  It's very much a faith piece.  One instructor reminded me that Mary Breckenridge lost her 2 children and went on to do great things.  Those were and are empowering words for me.  To be among 'your people' and to be in that 'place' that fits you is a gift.  I am blessed.